Responsibility

Photo by Mohammad Hoseini Rad on Unsplash

I’ve said it so many times in so many ways. My biggest challenge during this season of parenting is living in the tension between trust and responsibility. I wrestle this out every day, and at the end of the day I’m still not sure. Am I getting it right? Am I making progress?

Responsibility is in my DNA. Literally, if StrengthsFinder has a say. It’s one of my top five, and for all my life a blessing and a curse. I’m compelled to do things right, for better or for worse. And I’ll confess it now – responsibility can look just a teensy bit like control.

And yet it’s my strength. Go figure.

So here I am, swimming in the deep end of the mom-pool. Doing things I’ve never done before, facing things I’ve never faced before. Responsible thoughts wake me up in the morning, and follow me to bed at night. And I know. Our strengths can be our weaknesses, and isn’t that the truth.

So I let go. I give it to God. I defer to my husband. I release and relent. And for a few short seconds I’m free. Until the questions creep back in.

What is my role? Is letting go wise? Am I being a good parent? And the question it really comes down to is this. Which responsibilities belong to God… and which belong to me?

Can you see my dilemma?

Let me illustrate. With bikes. BMX. New bikes purchased for boys, their dreams come true. And I find out quick they are less concerned with transportation, and more concerned with tricks. I get it. But what I didn’t get was why those nice safe brakes included with the bikes were getting in the way. Not cool. Apparently what a mom doesn’t get, a dad is quick to understand, and it was no problem for him – stripping those bikes of their brakes. So that’s what we have. Feet for stopping, Fred Flintstone style. And boys taking off for stores and friends and who know where with tricked out bikes and no brakes. And I’m telling you now, my responsible strength is screaming to be heard and no one is listening.

God, I trust you. And I trust my husband. Right? Is now a good time to trust?

Goodness. Praying without ceasing has never been easier, and I guess that’s good. The past couple of mornings I’ve been waking up early, before my alarm, and I’m already talking to God. Giving it over. Giving him my list. My responsibilities. Letting him take it, and begging for wisdom. Provision. And he gives it. All day. Every day.

I’ve started to keep a simple journal, with two columns. Yesterday’s manna. Today’s requests. It helps me let go, and helps me remember. Keeping track of his answers anchors my trust.

Today I include a verse, and outline it bold. Psalm 118:7 says this:

Yes, the LORD is for me; he will help me.

And for today, that’s enough.