I read something this morning that gives language to something I have experienced in recent weeks. An aha in this story, and a gift from God. Let me explain the experience first, and then I’ll share the quote.
There was stretch, a month or so ago, that was particularly hard. I was grieving, I think, and struggling. I’d wake up overwhelmed by a sense of fear and dread. I’d go to bed anxious. I fought hard to renew my thoughts, to surrender the fear. I prayed almost constantly. God, help me.
I thought the key was in letting go. Surrender. And in a way it was. I’d obsess over the plucky phrase hanging over my desk at church. I hung it there myself. There is only one love language; it is called die to self. The words of Christine Caine, and she is a remarkable woman who seems to have discovered the key to this death. But not me. Every day I’d try to die. Every night there I was still clinging to self. I wanted to live. I was fighting for life.
But still I prayed, and I clung. I was desperate for God. And he heard me. He held me. And gradually, something happened.
The first time I am aware of it happening is the day I listened to a man from church sharing his baptism testimony. He said something that grabbed my attention and held it. Is holding it still. No matter what, God is worthy. God is worthy. God is worthy. I repeated the phrase over and over in my head, for several days. God is worthy.
And then, over the next couple of weeks, something changed in my thinking. Something profound. Looking back, I can see it. I was thinking less about me, and more about God. I was waking up to HIM. My thoughts were being consumed by Him. He is worthy. He is worthy.
Easter came. Resurrection. We sang this song at church. Forever, by Kari Jobe. Forever he is glorified, forever he is lifted high… I sang and I wept and I was resurrected. He is worthy.
These past days, since Easter, it’s like God can’t stop showing off. He’s so obvious. Providing, revealing, softening, transforming. More than I could ask or imagine, and it makes my head spin just trying to pay attention and take note.
So this morning in my reading I found this quote, and I wonder. Is this what happened? Here is it, from A.W. Tozer’s Pursuit of God:
“Be thou exalted” is the language of victorious spiritual experience. It is a little key to unlock the door to great treasures of grace… Reach a place where life and lips join to say continually “Be thou exalted,” and a thousand minor problems will be solved at once.
Tozer’s words seem to describe my experience. Except for one thing. I have to admit it, right away. I couldn’t have done this on my own. I couldn’t Exalt Him on my own. It was His gift. He led me here. Only him. He is worthy.
But it turns out Tozer knows this, too. A few pages later, he adds a disclaimer:
In speaking thus I have one fear; it is that I may convince the mind before God can win the heart.
No worries. God has won me. He has convinced me. No matter what, He is worthy.
Comments